I'm not sure where my head was on this. It ended up more twisted than the Post-Doomsday thing did.
This was inspired by the article about the Christmas special, a spate of upbeat Sarah Jane stories, and a rather lousy weekend.
It was written as a series of drabbles, but there are a couple I'm not sure stand alone, so I'm posting it in one lump.
Not betad and I apologize for that.
One of these days I need to write something light and fluffy, just to prove I can.
Pairing: 10/Sarah Jane
Spoilers: the Mirror article about the Christmas special, vaguely Doomsday and Dreamland
Word Count: 1725
A/N & Warnings: Dark and twisted. Sex and drugs but no rock and roll (darn, I knew I forgot something). Suicidal behavior (not mine). Not terribly graphic sex. Any horrible Americanisms are all my own fault
Description: What if Sarah was not coping nearly as well as she seems to be.
Disclaimer: They're not mine, despite the fact that they seem to have taken over my brain
x-posted to sarahjane_fic
Your parents promise they will come back for you. They don't. As much as you love Aunt Lavinia, you don't belong to her the way you did to them. You learn to pretend that everything is all right. You're always on the offensive, taking control before someone else can. You don't know why you let him take care of you, you've always taken care of yourself, but it's nice not to have to be strong. You trust him to be there when you need him.
Later, he will leave you too. You aren't surprised; it's the story of your life.
He is alien. You accept that he isn't interested in you that way, and that you will never be more than friends. You bar the concept from your life, never acknowledging that it has ever crossed your mind. When you touch yourself during those lonely nights it is the Brigadier's face you see, or Harry's. Eventually, it will be Josh's, but never his, that would be forbidden.
He creeps into your dreams, anyway. When you wake, you feel dirty and have trouble meeting his eyes. He'd laugh or call you a silly human if he knew. You couldn't bear that.
When you get back, it becomes an obsession. You reconnect with Harry and the Brigadier and arrange to meet Liz and Jo. You track leads, keeping your eyes open for others who had traveled with him. You become the center of the web, you know everyone, and they all know you. You watch the others marry, settle down, and you know that you will get your turn, if you wait long enough.
You need the constant reminders that it was real and, more than that, you need to feel like you belong somewhere. You think you have found your place.
You always fancy unavailable men. The Brigadier pats you on the head and says that you are a good girl. Harry is gay and it takes you way too long to figure that out. Josh is too young and he and Nat have an arrangement that you're not supposed to know about. There are others who never seem to see you that way, no matter how hard you try. You manage a few relationships, none lasting more than a few months.
In the end you spend too much time alone with your fantasies and pretend it is what you wanted.
The others move on with their lives, while you continue running in place. It is a pattern now. His companions seek out the Brigadier, who gives them your name. You know it is only temporary. You help them get over the rough patch at the beginning and then they move on and you wonder why you never can. You let the others drift away and find friends who never knew him, but never let them get too close. You only see Harry once a year now; once you had been friends.
You heal the others but you can't heal yourself.
You see him again when you least expect it. You hear the bitterness in your voice and hate yourself for it. He has moved on with his life, like the others. You take a deep breath and regain control of yourself, pretending everything is fine. Rose invites you to travel with them and you refuse. If he asked, you might have given a different answer. You offer Rose refuge, when they part. It is a role you've accepted.
When you ask for good-bye, he gives it. You manage, somehow, to walk away, but inside you break a little more.
The dreams are back. You wake with the familiar, sick feeling in your stomach. You don't know if it is the new, younger body or if it's Rose. He was never for you, but you know they are lovers. He sees her as sexy where he never saw you as anything but cute. You thought you were friends, but he walked away once and never looked back. You don't think he'll walk away from Rose. He never cared about you that much.
You wonder if he ever cared about you at all, or if he's just going through the motions.
One Step Behind
No one can see how the last five years have damaged you. You pretend it's all under control, but nothing is. You've been constantly manipulated, always one step behind. Learning about Josh is the last straw. You give up inside, even though you pretend you're still fighting. You let them control you, knowing their beliefs are a lie; they wouldn't believe the truth. You wonder if Josh ever saw you as a person. Afterward, you go to visit Jo and find her busy being a grandmother. You were never a mother.
You know now that real life passed you by.
It's an old familiar story. Someone wishes they'd never been born, and an angel steps in to show them how bleak the world would have been without them. This story involves a bride and the Doctor, but still you recognize the plot. In the end, the bride learns that life is worth living, the Doctor learns that life goes on, and you learn that you're a minor character in someone else's story. Not that that surprises you. Even in your own life, you were never that important.
He is gone before you manage to say hello, never mind good-bye.
You walk through the new snow (real snow, this time), thinking about your life. When you get back to your flat (not home, none of the places you've lived has ever felt like home, except for one), you shut down K-9 so that he won't interfere. You find the sleeping pills that you bought to cope with the nightmares, after the Cybermen and Daleks invaded, and wash them down with a bottle of Scotch. The lesson today wasn't for you and you know no one will miss you when you're gone.
No one ever notices when minor characters die.
You dream that he saves you again. He finds you lying on the couch and you tell him to go away and save somebody who wants to be saved, but he doesn't. He gives you something to counteract the overdose and puts you to bed. You won't let go of him so he lies down beside you, letting you cling to him. It's still forbidden, but you don't really care anymore. You reach for him and he doesn't protest.
Everything is fuzzy, but it always is in dreams and you know he must be long gone from Earth by now.
When he thrusts deep within you, you wake properly and discover that you aren't dreaming at all. He's on top of you and he's lost control, thrusting hard and murmuring in your ear about how good it feels, better than any of his fantasies, and that you're his wonderful Sarah Jane. He's right. It does feel good, so you tangle your fingers in his hair, kissing him and matching his rhythm with your own.
You climax quickly, unable to remember anyone who made you feel like this. He collapses on top of you soon after, breathing heavily and clearly spent.
After a moment, he rolls off of you, and the horror on his face is more than you can stand. His laughter would have been nothing compared to this. You can't blame him for his disgust. You're not young anymore and you've never really felt sexy. You wonder if he thought you were Rose. You realize that he must have saved your life and you wish he hadn't.
You turn away from him, so he won't have to look at you, and so you won't have to see the look in his eyes. It's worse than anything he could say.
You're not prepared for an awkward voice apologizing, or for the man, who in your mind is always strong, always wise, to be falling apart because he took advantage of you. Did he? You don't know how you feel about this. It's nothing you ever considered happening, not with him. Your mind still isn't completely clear, but when he starts to leave the bed you roll over and catch him and ask him to hold you until you fall asleep. You're scared to be alone.
You wish you could give him more, but you don't have anything left to give.
You dream of drums and wake to find yourself using him as a pillow, the beat of two hearts clear in your ear. He's asleep and you can't remember if you've ever seen him sleep before. His body's cool against your skin and his arms still hold you tightly. The night before comes back to you in a rush. You can't wrap your mind around it. The concept that your relationship could ever be sexual is foreign to you, no matter what you've dreamed in the past.
You don't know whether he will ever forgive himself for what has happened.
He wakes and you can see the shock when he realizes you're naked beside him. He says your name, softly. You reach up and brush back the hair from his forehead. He looks so young, though he is so much older than you. You want to take care of him. You want.... You kiss him and feel him shift against you. Your head is clear now and you know that it was his own lack of control that bothered him last night. You're in his arms properly for the first time in your life and you don't want to leave.
You talk, finally, without anger, saying everything you could never say before. You are stunned to realize just how much he wanted you, this way, that it was the one thing he never dared to ask, fearing to lose you as a friend. He talks about Reinette, and how he tried to drown himself in her, after seeing you. You tell him about Josh and find that you can forgive him, though trust might take a little longer.
In the end, you choose to stay behind, but he promises to return, and you know this time he'll keep his promise.