Rating: PG-13 for innuendo mostly
Notes: For _kali_ who wanted:
1) Comedy Bondage
2) A toe curlingly embarrassing situation (for either the Doctor or Martha)
3) The TARDIS, Jack and a pair of fluffy slippers
and who got all of it, I'm afraid. Plus Sarah Jane.
Xposted to sarahjane_fic, lifeonmartha, and my journal.
The Doctor and Martha stumbled into the TARDIS soaking wet. Martha had finally persuaded him to meet her family and they had got caught in a downpour on the way back.
"See, you survived, Doctor. That wasn't so bad, was it?" Martha asked, although she'd already decided she never wanted him anywhere near her siblings again.
"Oh, no. Your parents were lovely. Brilliant, even." Of course the Doctor had enjoyed himself. He'd spent the evening egging on her brother and sister to tell the most embarrassing stories they could come up with.
He grinned at her and flipped a few switches on the console. "What do you fancy next? Ancient Greece? Future New York? Caprica during its golden age?"
"At the moment, what I fancy are some dry clothes. Wherever you want to go is fine by me. Just some place dry...and sunny."
"Your wish is my command. Dry and sunny, it is."
He pressed some buttons and moved some levers in a way that made no sense to Martha, but which was starting to seem familiar.
"Did I ever show you the wardrobe room?" he asked suddenly. "Plenty of dry clothes there."
The Doctor led her through the endless corridors and Martha marvelled at his ability to find his way around the TARDIS.
"The console room used to look like this. I redecorated it recently but never bothered with the rest of the ship."
Martha actually found the white corridors soothing compared to the organic alien look of the console room, but she wasn't about to tell him that. He might be insulted and she didn't want him leaving her behind. She'd never had this much fun in her life.
Her life until she met the Doctor had been boring. Nice, normal, embarrassing family who never did anything out of the ordinary. Her family was wonderful and she loved them dearly, but not at all exciting. She had never deviated from her safe conventional path, and now that she had she didn't want it to end.
"That isn't the TARDIS making that noise, is it?" There were strange sounds coming from one of the rooms along the corridor.
"No." The Doctor frowned. "Sounds like it's coming from the wardrobe room." He pulled open the door to display long racks of clothing of every type and colour imaginable, and the sounds resolved themselves into a man's voice.
The man in question came into view shortly thereafter. Black hair, bright smile and half naked.
"Jack Harkness. Of all the...You didn't....Why didn't you just get a hotel room or something? This isn't a house of ill repute," the Doctor sputtered at him.
"The TARDIS was right here, and I still had my key. Seemed like a good place to get out of the rain." Jack gave the Doctor his most charming smile.
The Doctor made a mental note to change the lock.
Martha just stared in stupefied silence. It didn't help that Jack was gorgeous and was wearing nothing but wet jeans that clung to his body like a second skin.
"Is there a problem, Jack?"
A woman's voice. Martha thought it sounded familiar for some reason, and then the woman came into view and she choked. She recognized her from the telly. The woman had been a reporter on Planet 3 until she'd been fired. Martha couldn't recall the details, but remembered that it had been a huge scandal at the time. Martha didn't want to think about what she'd was doing in the TARDIS, with a man young enough to be her son.
"Sarah Jane Smith, can't you keep out of trouble?" The Doctor sounded resigned.
"Doctor. Hello." Sarah smiled sweetly at him.
Martha couldn't believe the other woman wasn't embarrassed, given that her thin dress had been soaked by the rain and was almost see-through. For some reason, Sarah had a long striped scarf draped over her shoulders.
"I thought I left you tied up back there," Jack said dryly.
"Oh, I used to get tied up all the time. Had a friend who knew Houdini," Sarah nodded at the Doctor, "who taught me a few tricks for getting free."
"Sarah, tell me that isn't my scarf." The Doctor sounded pained.
"You haven't worn it for what, two hundred years at least? Didn't think you'd mind." She suddenly spotted Martha, "Hullo, are you the new assistant?"
"You didn't think I'd mind." He just stood there shaking his head. They had already taken off. He couldn't return them to London, 2007 right now, and he knew Sarah too well. She'd be doing her best to embarrass him and Jack would be a willing accomplice. Martha would enjoy it though, after what he'd put her through tonight.
"Sarah," he finally said in exasperated tones. "Martha and I are soaked to the skin, and you and Jack are not only wet, but positively indecent."
"What, aren't you enjoying the view, Doctor?" Jack asked seductively.
The Doctor ignored him and continued, "You really need to put some clothes on. Try to find something moderately respectable. Why don't we meet in the galley in half an hour and then we can play catch up? Okay." He didn't wait for an answer. " Oh, Jack, you might as well use your own room, Sarah you can take whatever room suits your fancy. I doubt even I could find your old room after all this time."
"All right," Jack drawled. "If you insist." He gave the Doctor a cheeky smile before saying to Sarah, "He's getting crochety in his old age."
"You never met his first incarnation. Trust me, this is nothing new."
Jack stared at her and started to speak, but was stopped by the Doctor's dark look. Instead he linked his arm in Sarah's and led her off down the corridor.
Martha headed to her own room. At least the Doctor seemed just as embarrassed by this invasion as Martha had been earlier visiting her parents. More, actually. Which wasn't surprising, considering that they both seemed to know him quite well and neither seemed at all inhibited.
As she changed into dry clothing, she realized that they might give her more insight into the man she was travelling with, especially if they spent the next few hours talking about old times. She decided that was something to be encouraged. She'd always been a fan of research. And revenge.
She headed off to the galley, hoping someone had got there ahead of her and thought to put on some tea. She could hear Sarah's voice as she pushed open the door and went inside.
"Liz had a lecture in Scotland tomorrow, Dodo and Polly are in Paris, and I got stuck listening to Barbara, Jo and Tegan talk about their perfect precious grandchildren. It was terribly boring. I had no way to get free, so I focused on drinking too much and nodding and smiling in the right places. Finally, Jack came round and I threw peanuts at him until he came over and rescued me from their clutches."
'That's me," Jack said lazily, "your knight in shining armour." He was leaning easily against one of the walls, and looked like he was enjoying the show. "Rescuer of fair damsels everywhere."
Sarah glared at him and said tartly, "Not that you confine yourself to damsels." She couldn't help giggling, though, which ruined the effect.
Both of them were fully dressed, to Martha's relief, although her eye was drawn to the pink fluffy bunny slippers, that Sarah was wearing. They seemed out of place on the sophisticated older woman.
"Tegan can't possibly be a grandmother, can she?" The Doctor sounded surprised for some reason.
"It's brand new," Sarah said, as though that explained it. She took pity on him and continued, "Shocked me too, when she got married. Turlough swore that Nyssa was her one true love. The marriage didn't last long though, and soon after the breakup she met Christina. They've been together fifteen years now. It has been a while since you saw her."
She noticed the other woman standing hesitantly in the doorway. "All warm and dry now? We weren't properly introduced before. Sarah Jane Smith and my partner in crime, Jack Harkness."
Jack gave Martha a brilliant smile. "Hello, gorgeous."
"Don't mind him," the Doctor said briskly, "Jack will flirt."
Martha smiled back, not quite knowing why. "Martha Jones." She took the cup of tea he offered her. "You made tea, lovely." She sat down at the table wrapping her hands around the warm mug.
"Someone had to and Sarah doesn't make tea. Or coffee," Jack said. "She made that very clear to me when we first met."
The Doctor's eyes twinkled with amusement. "The first time we met, I suggested that she'd be useful making coffee, and she bit my head off."
"You deserved it. Quite the male chauvinist you sounded." She added to Martha, "Later that day I slipped into the TARDIS in search of a story and ended up in the Middle Ages. I do make sandwiches, however." She put a platter down on the table, before sitting down herself.
"Not literally I hope. Biting off your head, I mean. I watched her make the sandwiches." Jack sat down beside the Doctor and sipped his tea. He arched an eyebrow at Martha, "Brandy?" He offered her the bottle.
She hesitated then poured a little into the tea. She wasn't much of a drinker.
Jack retrieved the bottle and poured a more liberal portion into his own cup, then continued, "The first time I met him, I tried to con him into buying a Chula warship from me during World War II. I wasn't very good at being a conman, though. The life of adventure and heroism he offered me, suited me much better."
They were both looking at Martha, so she figured it was her turn. "He was unconscious when I first met him. I was studying medicine so I tried to help him. He woke up suddenly and grabbed my arm. It was a bit of a shock. Then he explained that there were these alien parasites that had to be stopped and enlisted my help."
"I died on a operating table once. The doctor tried to treat me as human. Didn't work very well." He snagged a biscuit from a plate on the table.
"You died?" Martha couldn't help asking.
He started to explain about regenerations, with the other two making the odd contribution.
Martha occupied herself with the food, occasionally asking a question, but mostly just listening as the other three traded stories. Jack was a Time Agent from the fifty-first century, Sarah had her very own doomsday cult, and Martha felt very ordinary by comparison.
Sarah was quick to reassure her. "The cult would never have existed if I hadn't travelled with him. You're just at the beginning of your adventures, Martha. You have no idea what will happen next and that's part of the fun."
Sarah gave some examples of other people who had travelled with the Doctor and what had happened to them. The other woman had met a surprising number of them.
"I ask questions and I stick my nose where I'm not supposed to. And the Brigadier tends to pass people along to me. You'll meet him eventually, I imagine. Everyone does eventually," she said, when Martha asked her how she knew so many of them.
Barbara and Ian had been the first humans to travel with him. The Doctor had chortled with glee when he heard they had married. They had had to stop him from changing their destination so that he could attend the wedding.
Liz was a scientist and when Sarah brought her up, the Doctor said, "I'm glad she went back to UNIT once I left. She was demoted to make room for me which wasn't really fair to her. She was an impressive scientist for a human."
Martha felt a bare foot rubbing her ankle, and assumed it was Jack, who it seemed was determined to flirt with everyone in the room, so she took her other foot and stepped on it hard. She was beginning to like Sarah Jane and didn't want to get in the middle of whatever was going on between her and Jack. She was impressed that Jack hadn't shown any sign of pain, not noticing that Sarah was discretely rubbing her foot.
The conversation moved on to Jo, who had lots of grandchildren and who prompted some choice remarks from Jack about always choosing people named Smith and Jones, despite being told that her name had been Grant when she travelled in the TARDIS.
This caused a digression about someone named Mickey Smith, whom Jack was surprised to learn had actually ended up travelling with the Doctor. "Never thought he'd have the nerve," Jack said.
"I think he finally realized he had to stop standing in place," Sarah said. "What was it that he said to you when Rose and I met? Something about 'the missus and the ex' being every man's worst nightmare. Seems you react that way whenever you find I've met one of your former companions."
Jack snorted at that. "You met Rose. That must have been interesting. She's the one who introduced me to him."
"Oh, we got along fine once we got the sniping out of our system. I wish I could have introduced her to Dodo. They probably would have got along wonderfully, despite the difference in their ages," Sarah said.
The Doctor smiled at that. "I never thought of that, but they probably would have. You said earlier she went to Paris with Polly?"
"And their husbands. You wouldn't have met Dodo's husband, but Polly's been happily married to Ben for years. No, you can't go to that wedding either." Sarah knew him too well.
"I'm starting to think I should rename the TARDIS 'the Love Boat' what with all of the romances that happen aboard and all of the people who leave me to marry someone they've just met. So what about you and Harry? No stirrings of romance there, old girl?" The Doctor decided it was time he got some of his own back.
Sarah threw one of her bunny slippers at him, causing Jack and Martha to look at each other and burst into laughter, at which point she threw the other one at them. "Harry and I tried to make it work, but we were really too different. I like my independence. We used to meet once a year for lunch, but I haven't heard from him in a while," Sarah paused then added to the others, "He's a medical doctor, he re-enlisted in the Navy when he left UNIT."
"I forgot you'd been associated with them once," Jack said. "You never seemed like secret government agency material to me." He handed the slipper he was holding to Martha. "Guard this with your life."
"Is that why you tried to recruit me for Torchwood, Jack?" Sarah's lips twitched, like she was holding back a laugh.
"I wanted you in Torchwood, because I wanted you on my side, not plotting against me. You're a devious woman, Sarah Jane Smith."
"Can't blame him for that." The Doctor said dryly and Martha dissolved into laughter again.
She had a hard time regaining control of herself because immediately Sarah launched into a silly story about someone named Romana who had called Sarah up one day and invited her to lunch and how they had spent the afternoon drinking wine and snarking about the Doctor. "So, she was musing on the possibilities inherent in the scarf and I said that the only use I could see for it was gagging you when you started pontificating. I think it took her about ten minutes to recover, she was laughing so hard. As I pointed out to her the first incarnation I knew was condescending and the second was obnoxious." She turned to the Doctor, "and the current one acts like a hyperactive five year old on speed. How anyone could think I find him attractive...."
The Doctor threw the slipper he was holding back at Sarah and she caught it easily, then she calmly retrieved the other from Martha, who was helpless with laughter, holding them in reserve in case she needed to throw them again. She continued, "Anyway, she agreed with me. Ended up coming back to my place to continue the conversation over take out and another bottle of wine. Lovely woman."
"Sounds like a girl after my own heart." Jack said. "Intelligent and a sense of humour."
"Oh, you would have liked her." Sarah said in suggestive tones, though Martha wasn't quite sure what she was implying.
The Doctor's lips had twitched at that, but his voice had an odd sadness in it when he said, "I almost wish I'd been a fly on the wall for that conversation. You would have liked her, Martha. She was a lot like you."
Sarah squeezed his hand, and then pasted on a bright smile, causing Martha to wonder what she wasn't saying.
"And then there's my beloved Turlough," Sarah said "I only met him twice but we had such fun together. We should go see him, Doctor. Jack would love him."
"Sarah, if you think I'm willing to have you and Turlough on the same planet again, you're sadly mistaken. Not after what happened the first two times." The Doctor's sudden cheerfulness also seemed a bit forced.
Jack said, "Sounds like a story. Spill!"
"Well, the second one is. The first time Turlough and I were bored and got into a little mischief while the Doctor was otherwise occupied. It was minor and not what you'd call an interesting story," Sarah said, thoughtfully, pouring some more brandy in her cup.
"I beg to differ," the Doctor said dryly. "You behaved outrageously and you know it. Ruined my reputation. I had to flee the planet."
"You were already considered a renegade and a traitor, and as I recall, Turlough said you fled the planet because they made you President. I never did understand Gallifreyan politics."
Jack sputtered, "You were President? I wish I could have seen that."
"It wasn't my fault. Anyway they eventually came to their senses and made Romana president." Despite the humour in his voice, there was also a tightness that made Martha wonder what had happened to her.
"I stand by my earlier statement," Sarah said. She quickly returned to the original topic. "The second time I met Turlough, they had just dropped Tegan off in London when the Doctor noticed something odd...." And Sarah proceeded to tell them about a rather convoluted adventure involving two renegade Time Lords, a statue of Bast, four separate cricket matches, mind control and a bathtub full of lime jelly, acting the best bits out with the salt and pepper shakers, the leftover sandwiches and her bunny slippers, which had all of them, including the Doctor, laughing hysterically by the time she had finished.
"You know that now, whenever I think of the Master, I'll picture him in a pink bunny suit." the Doctor told her, still sputtering.
"And this is a bad thing?" Jack asked. "Anyone can be evil in black, but the villain who can pull off pink deserves some respect." He reached for the brandy, and frowned when he discovered that it was empty.
"He was overly fond of black. And terribly melodramatic." Sarah said with a grin.
The Doctor snickered suddenly. "Unlike you. As I recall, the last time you were taken over by an evil force, you were wearing pink striped overalls. With stars on."
"Why am I not surprised?" Jack grinned at her. "Bet you looked sexy as hell. More than a match for this Master fellow."
"I still don't understand why you wouldn't want her and Turlough on the same planet again," Martha said though she was also grinning at the thought of an evil fluffy bunny Time Lord.
"They nearly caused not only an international incident but an intergalactic one as well. Plus nearly ruining one of the best Test Matches of the century," The Doctor accused her, with mock anger. "I had to talk for ages to sort it all out."
"But Turlough and I saved you from a fate worse than death. You could have thanked us, before dumping me back in London and absconding with Turlough before I could ravish him utterly. He was cute. And ginger. I thought that was supposed to be your sweet tempered incarnation." Sarah looked at him with big bright eyes.
"So when do I get to meet him?" Jack asked the Doctor. "Oh, come on. I'm not Sarah. I promise to behave. Honest."
"Right. If you think I believe that, I have a Chula warship I'd like to sell you." The Doctor grinned at him. "You'd get into just as much trouble, given half the chance. I'm not even sure I like the idea of you in the same vicinity as Sarah. I fully expect to come back to Earth at some point and discover that you've toppled the government and caused an international scandal. Or something."
Martha admired the way Jack and Sarah both gave him identical looks of innocence, but decided that the Doctor was probably right about them.
The Doctor interrupted, "We can get to the rest another day. I imagine you humans will want to go to sleep soon and I've got some work to do on the TARDIS. Tomorrow we've got the glorious pleasure planet of Dahlia to look forward to. Warm and dry as ordered." He smiled at Martha, then added, "No we're not going to see Turlough no matter how much either of you pout."
"Right," Jack sniped, "Well, considering how well you steer this thing, we'll probably end up on Women Wept or some planet where it rains constantly."
"Or in Antarctica," Sarah added, with a dark look at the Doctor.
They cleaned up, continuing to chatter absurdly about where they might end up.
Martha giggled. She'd already discovered that their destination could be unpredictable. It was one of the things she liked best about this new life of hers. She'd never made room for spontaneity before. Even if they ended up running for their lives on some ice planet, it would be worth it.
The next morning they discovered that the TARDIS had landed less than a block from Turlough's house. But then she had always liked Sarah.